I’m Sure You’ll Work It Out!
Whatever i’m doing, I must be doing it right, because the number of people who say to me; ”I’m sure you’ll work it out”, whenever I mention any dilemma I may be facing seems to grow daily.
I pride myself on being a self-sufficient, problem solver who tries to stay positive regardless of what i’m faced with. This attitude has seen me out of many holes quite successfully, and I have found myself in quite a few holes throughout my life. But people’s faith in me seems to be greater than my faith in myself.
The truth is however, that when I encounter a challenge, I am challenged. And if I actually mention it to you, then I am challenged. Complaining about my challenges is not something I do often or easily.
I have come to realize however, that people seem to think that I cruise through life thanks to a magical, positive mentality which enables me to magically solve any problem. When I consider both my life and this idea, it seems so absurd to me, that I generally don’t know what to make of it.
The truth is that I struggle with self worth, self love, life direction, spiritual growth, personal development etc, like everyone else. Honestly, I am presently in a valley, and everyday I have to remind myself that there is beauty in these parts too. I think I failed about 75% of everything I have ever tried. I recently stopped attempting anything at all for about three years because I was so tired of failing. For a large majority of my life, I suffered with severe depression.
But I guess I post a lot of positive quotes and videos, and I guess if I am honest, God is usually working in my favor. And I guess in a lot of ways, that 25% success, has been tremendous.
But I want to tell you the truth, because I don’t want you to think that I woke up like this. I don’t want you to think that i’m lucky and I always have an answer and I always manage to stay positive and I always know what I’m about and there must therefore be something wrong with you, who are struggling to figure out what direction you ought to be moving in life. Growth never ends. Every time you think you have it figured out, along comes something you have never seen before. So you get on this path and you think you’ve got it all figured out now, but then the rug is always pulled from under your feet.
My mind is always trying to sabotage me. It tells me the nastiest things about myself, about what I can or cannot do, about who I am or who I am not. Because of this, I police my thoughts rigorously; I am not my mind. It can think what it wants, I don’t always have to listen. This is obviously not the least bit simple, I did not start doing it successfully over night and sometimes those nasty thoughts still get through. But I don’t allow a lot in and I am compassionate with myself for what does get in. It is a daily battle that can sometimes be exhausting. I can guarantee your mind does the same to you – pay attention to what it’s telling you and don’t listen.
I’m an entrepreneur, I like to do things my way, which is often the hard way. I think I try a lot more things than most, so I fail at a lot more than most, but I do learn a lot more than most in the process. To survive being me, I have had to force myself to change perceptions about success and failure. I have had to stop allowing my mind to define me as the things I have or have not accomplished. I have not had an 8 to 4 in many many years, it’s just not me. It has come at a great cost. People assume however that I am just lucky; No – every single day I jump off a cliff, and every day I have to work up the courage to do so. I don’t JUST wake up everyday KNOWING things are going to work out. Living life on my terms generally makes me sweat bullets.
And now I find myself in this valley, and the only reason I am able to spend at least 5 mins everyday seeing the beauty in it, is because I have been here so often that it just doesn’t seem that bad anymore. I’m now comfortable in this place, not because I like being in a hole, but I have been in so many holes that I know that there is much to learn here, that fighting is futile, that the Universe is conspiring, and I just have to be patient. And there is no due date, so you just have to wait, and you have no idea what you’re actually waiting on, and you think you ought to be doing something, but you really just have to close your eyes and trust, which is about the hardest thing you can do, if your faith is lacking.
Faith – faith has not come easy. It is only in looking back, can I see that from this place, where I toil mentally and emotionally, the climb up the mountain comes easily thereafter. I still worry, but I worry less. the uncertainty is troubling, but experience has been a great teacher. It does not come easily.
So really, the point is, I might appear positive and to have things figured out, but really, this was created out of necessity. My mentality was my only light in the MANY dark places I have been. And i’ve hit rock bottom so often in the past that the future can’t be that dark, but it probably won’t always be bright either and i’m probably going to have to find new tools to conquer it, but the only difference between me and you really is that I have probably learnt to love and trust myself and God enough to not get lonely or lost in the valley. But it is lonely, and sometimes I do get lost.
I’m no better than you, we just battle differently. Don’t beat yourself. Look for the flowers in the valley, the flood doesn’t kill them all.